Sorry, It has been too long since I have been able to blog. End of the school year madness teaching and dealing with my own kids and households.

So I am Bipolar. I was told years ago by a medical doctor, then again by a therapist friend of mine.  Medical doctor placed me on Zoloft and Depakote which did not have anything but negative effects on me. In fact still today I have what they call myclonic jerks from the Zoloft. Works for some people just not me….After leaving the “hospital” they determined that I have Bipolar 1 and currently am experiencing “Rapid Cycling”. I never knew anything of numbers nor cyles, you just had it or you didn’t. You called it Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder. So you ask what are the differences. First some education, then how it affects my life.

According to : WebMD

  • Bipolar I disorder involves periods of severe mood episodes from mania to depression.
  • Bipolar II disorder is a milder form of mood elevation, involving milder episodes of hypomania that alternate with periods of severe depression.
    • Rapid-cycling is a term that describes having four or more mood episodes within a 12-month period. Episodes must last for some minimum number of days in order to be considered distinct episodes. Some people also experience changes in polarity from high to low or vice-versa within a single week, or even within a single day — the full symptom profile that defines distinct, separate episodes may not be present (for example, the person may not have a decreased need for sleep), making such “ultra-rapid” cycling a more controversial phenomenon. Rapid cycling can occur at any time in the course of illness, although some researchers believe that it may be more common at later points in the lifetime duration of illness. Women appear more likely than men to have rapid cycling. A rapid-cycling pattern increases risk for severe depression and suicide attempts. Antidepressants may sometimes be associated with triggering or prolonging periods of rapid cycling. However, that theory is controversial and is still being studied.

So…me, sometimes I feel fine, like I can take on the world. The happiest person on the planet. Then suddenly I am a worthless piece of crap that doesn’t deserve to live.  I have been very successful at trying to hide it until recently.  That was the entire reason I checked myself into the “hospital”. I knew I needed help and I knew it had to be now.

I cry alone when no-one is watching. Been that way since I was a pre-teen. At that time I would cry myself to sleep. Now that I don’t sleep alone, it is just when I am alone or in the shower.  I know I am not the only one who feels this way.  Some days it is difficult to get out  of bed or  do simple things like grocery shopping. Other days I feel like Wonder Woman!  I am being medicated, I am hoping none of the medicines are causing the rapid cycling since I know now that it is a possibility. It gets wore when I am under a lot of stress, but then it leads to the Intermittent Explosive Episodes I have mentioned before. Please, if you think you have Bipolar or are suffering from any sort of depression contact a mental health professional immediately.