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**My therapist recommended me to confront or write a letter to any abusers. Give it to them, burn it or tie it to a balloon. So, I decided to do it this way and maybe I can help at least 1 person. I’m not going to use his real name, well because I don’t want to protect his identity but my own in a way.

Dear Abuser,

I am curious to what type of person I would have become if you had not abused me. Would I have been a happy teenager, not have panic attacks to the point that I would be in a ball in the halls of my hallway crying? Would I have married the first guy who seemed attracted to me at 19? Only to be abused by him for 5 years?  Wasn’t he right, no one would ever want me, I was tainted.They cycle continued and continued. Loveless marriages. Affair after affair. You made me believe that to be loved I had to have sex.  I wanted to be loved so badly, sometimes I didn’t even care who the person was.

You literally changed my personality. They call it borderline personality disorder. There isn’t even a treatment for it. It is literally part of my personality now.  I cut myself, I starved myself, hell I still do the later. Punishing myself for something you did wrong.  How would I be if you had not hurt me?  Would I understand what real love is, would my heart have been broken so many times? Would I have broken so many hearts and hurt so many people? Would I feel so dirty?

I hid it well, it was our little secret for decades.  I hid it too well, over 3 decades and 3 marriages. Even though I had already tried to end my life several times.  Would you have went to my funeral and shed a tear and pretend it had nothing to do with you? Did you even know what you were doing was wrong?

Yet it took me finding out you were being investigated for hurting your own daughters.  Even fathered some of their children. Do you care about the guilt I felt?  I should have told, they were just little girls when you hurt me. I could have had you thrown in jail where you would never have hurt them.  Oh, the guilt took over.  So what did I do? I had yet another affair. I needed to feel something other than guilt.  It didn’t work this time, like it had in the past.  I felt guilt from the affair also, maybe a change in my personality?  I couldn’t handle the anxiety, depression, the guilt. It was eating me alive. So I had myself admitted.

Five medicines now.One for depression, 2 for anxiety, 1 mood stabilizer, and 1 for bipolar and hallucinations.  I know you did this.  Because of your sick, bad, decisions I have to take medication every 2 to 3 hours. How am I supposed to function like that. You can’t hide the fact that your alarm goes off on your phone and you pop a pill or 5. Why am I the one being punished when you are the one who did something wrong?  I was just a confused teenager and you turned me into something else.  Now I take handfuls of medicines that make me feel loopy and weird.

Oh did I mention the PTSD you contributed to?  Oh yeah, for years my own friends or family could even give me a hug. I finally got out of that stage, but just a tough or brush against me in a way would make me have flashbacks.  Smells, someone that might look like you.  I’d hide my emotions as much as I could, just like I did when you hurt me. The nightmares though, that’s when they would come out, when you’d come out to haunt me.

Yes other things happened along the was to give me PTSD.  I can’t blame that on you, but I can blame you for 3 failed marriages and countless failed relationships. I can blame you for making me push anyone who gave a damn about me away.

Did I fight back, no, I froze. I hate myself for that now. I have taken tons of self defense courses to stop it from ever happening again, not from you..not from anyone. I didn’t know what to do.  Someone twice my age was doing things to me that I didn’t understand. I blamed it on your father being sick, but it happened again, on and off for 2 or so years.   Now, finally Karma has come to get you. How does it feel?  I pray I never see you again. If I do, I will be protected now. I know you can never hurt me again physically, and yes I may have some flashbacks but you don’t control me anymore.  Have fun in prison, I heard they like child molesters.

Signed,

A damn strong woman

 

 

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