stocksnap_mi902j0x1hOne of the first things I was diagnosed with in the facility was Borderline Personality Disorder. I had never heard of it. Was the doctor saying I had multiple personalities? He explained a little about it; like it is an actual change in your personality due to the trauma I had dealt with when I was young. It may seem I am two people at times, but I am always aware of who I am. So this has lead me to do my own homework while working with professionals and medications.

So according to NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness, “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulties in regulating emotion. This difficulty leads to severe, unstable mood swings, impulsivity and instability, poor self-image and stormy personal relationships. People may make repeated attempts to avoid real or imagined situations of abandonment. The combined result of living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempts.” ( – See more at: https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder#sthash.b80GreQ5.dpuf)

Unfortunately; when I research the symptoms of BPD, I am pretty much cookie cutter and not sure why someone didn’t figure this out until I turned 41. “Splitting” is what it is called when you are in a relationship and one minute he is the world and nothing else matters. However; within minutes or hours, you hate him and he is a controlling asshole. Possibly the reason why I am going through my 3rd divorce right now. My own choice, but like the others I knew I couldn’t make the person happy because something wasn’t right. I blamed them but at the same time blamed myself.

Some symptoms mimic bipolar, which I have also been diagnosed with. One thing I notice is that the mood swings due to bipolar are less rapid than those associated with BPD. Yet, they (the medical doctors and therapist) said I can have both.

Another thing I hate is I have no filter. You say something that hurts me, I lash out with words that will hurt you before I can even comprehend what I am saying or the consequences. Sometimes I don’t understand what is being told to me. I don’t “hear” what is being said, I am hearing what my mind tells me. Something simple as “are you okay?” turns into “you look like you are about to kill yourself, do you need me to get help?”  These misunderstandings cause so many arguments, but I honestly don’t want to argue. I just don’t understand.

I can go from being very depressed and having suicidal ideations to reckless or impulsive behavior such as: spending too much, reckless sexual activity, self harm including cutting.  All of these also cause problems in relationships.

I don’t handle stress well. Something that may not be a big deal to others, yet can make me so paranoid that I almost have a psychotic break.

There aren’t really any medications for BPD. You can take mood stabilizers, antidepressants and anxiety medications to control some of the symptoms but not to a level I find acceptable. There are also some behavioral therapies that have been known to help. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which I will be trying soon) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I wish I had known about the illness and treatments 20 years ago and I could have saved myself and many others a lot of heartache. I can’t go back; I can’t change the things I have done. If there is anyone reading this that I have hurt. I sincerely apologize. I wish I could have done something about it. I know there is always a choice but those choices don’t make much sense when you are un medicated and don’t think anything is wrong with the choices.

Again, I am in a new relationship. This time with both of us knowing what we are getting into. He goes to my therapy with me, researches his own and even though I put him through hell daily says he will never leave.

Oh, did I forget to mention BPD patients generally have an unrealistic fear of abandonment. Luckily through therapy and a lot, I mean a lot of talking, I am confident that he will continue to stick by me through this all. Now my job is to not screw it all up. BPD, I hate you.

 

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