I must admit that I have had several good days lately. I know I am “happy” where I am now and the life I am living, but with the different issues I deal with I even hate to use that word. Maybe because I never really learned what true happiness was.
So the last few days I haven’t been sad, angry, or overly upset by things. Meds finally working? Doubtful, why would they be any different in the months I have been taking them? However, still a possibility. Have I finally come to accept myself and let myself feel happiness instead of the constant stress of the world? Maybe, but in the back of my mind something whispers in my ear, “You aren’t better. You are having a manic episode.”
Most people know that bipolar, also known as manic depression is a serious mental illness where a person goes from being depressed to being manic. It looks different on everyone and even can look different on the same person due to medications. I have so much difficulty distinguishing my Borderline Personality from my Bipolar Swings. They are so similar. From what I am learning is that when I am enraged or angry for no reason it is because of the BPD (Borderline), and if I am extremely ecstatic, hypersexual, wanting to spend money that it is due to the mania from the bipolar.
So here is the thing. I feel happy, I have had several good days. Not extremely ecstatic, hypersexual, or wasting money (unless you count Starbucks); but I am being treated with an antidepressant, medicine for bipolar, and a mood stabilizer. From my understanding, I shouldn’t be getting really depressed or really manic if these drugs are doing their job. They better be with my weight gain.
Why am I even questioning my happiness? Well, because that little voice is telling me it’s not real. Any moment from now I am going to be depressed. Instead of laughing I will be crying over stupid holiday commercials. I know, I know, I shouldn’t let worrying about things mess up the happiness I am feeling. It is just that damn voice I can’t shut up.
I guess the best thing I can do is enjoy these good days when they come, especially since they are coming at all. It has been a long time since I felt this loved, content and overall positive that I am where I am meant to be in my life finally. I know I will have bad days, everyone does. You don’t have to have a mental illness to have a crappy day. I just have to be more mindful; and if the crappy day becomes more than a day seek help.
Well for now I will enjoy this happiness while I have it. Especially since it isn’t hurting anyone for once. And, if it turns out to be a manic episode. So be it, I can handle these mild swings. Especially with the support I have always longed for.