2598287628_3cfaaef686So I sit here on New Year’s Eve with no distractions. 2016 was not my year, but neither have the last 41 years. I did however make a big change this year. Moved to a new state with who I am sure is my soulmate, going through bankruptcy so I can legally divorce my ex and going through the disability process for mental and physical illness.

See, I hate New Years. I normally try to go out and distract myself or spend it with my immediate family, this year I am miles away from them. Why do I hate New Years? Well because when I was 15 years old my Great Grandmother shot herself. Obviously she suffered through mental illness also, and probably passed it down through the generations to me. I don’t blame her, I can definitely understand. Hell, she made it to her 80’s I have to give her props there.

With my situation this year I am not able to go out due to no babysitter. Sure I have family here to spend it with, but none that remember the pain of that day. Yes, I am 41 and this happened when I was 15. You do the math,  I am too tired mentally. Thing is something like that doesn’t go away. I have lost many people very close to me which has been part of my Complex PTSD issues, but suicide does something to you. Especially when some days you think that is the only thing that will fix your own problems, yet you remember the pain that it causes and it helps you stay strong. Well in my case anyway.

It helps to sit here and write and I have some art I can work on, but I had rather just crawl in bed and stay there all day and night. I will be strong though, as strong as I can convince myself to be anyway. I have a bottle of champagne with my name written on it for later. I know I shouldn’t drink on all my meds, but if this isn’t a special occasion I don’t know what is. Besides, isn’t that how you are suppose to celebrate New Year’s Eve? With friends and ring in the upcoming year with joy? I feel no joy and I don’t have friends here. Hard to make new friends when you are either stuck at home or in a doctor’s office. I learned by moving states that people you thought were true friends…well weren’t. If they can’t bother answering a text, than they never cared. Whoops, I got off topic. I’ll have to save that issue for another time.

So I sit here in bed writing and dreading the day in general. Better to hide out than bring anyone else down with me, right? No, I know I need to get up and stay busy. God knows I have plenty to do, just lacking in the motivation.  I am suppose to be coming up with 3 goals for my life for my therapist to work on with me. I haven’t come up with one yet. Maybe that should be one. Woman up and stop being a Debbie Downer. But today, I will just live.  Happy New Year’s my friends.