Oblivion, a state marked by lack of awareness or consciousness, is the best word I can use to describe the numbness of depression. I think the majority of people think being depressed means you are sad. Not necessarily. I notice when I cry I am normally in a more anxious state. A state where I am too worried and my mind is racing. I lose control and I cry. When I am depressed, well, I am numb.
My depression stems from many things. The Bipolar 1, Borderline, PTSD and the Chronic Illnesses I deal with. When I get depressed I simply don’t care. I don’t care about things that should make me happy. I don’t care about doing anything or being around anyone. I try to feel guilty but I simply don’t care. I cannot feel love, joy, grief, fear, nor sadness. How can you explain that to someone? So when they ask, I say “nothing is wrong” or “I’m fine”.
When I am depressed I long to feel. I want to live life but am too unmotivated and hopeless to do so. So I sink into oblivion. This oblivion can last hours to months. I have no way to know. When I’m not in it I hate it. It angers me. How can stay out of it? There are so many things I enjoy doing. Being a mom, listening to music, painting, writing, reading….none I want to do when I am depressed. It would be great if I could just knock myself out of it, but it just isn’t that easy.
People who don’t suffer from severe depression have no way of understanding, so why bother explaining it. My boyfriend wants me to be completely open with him. Sure he can understand how it feels to be sad or even occasionally depressed, but to sink into an oblivion where you are drowning in an endless sea? Not easy to understand.
So I try to explain my feelings but end up hurting his. Just because I’m depressed today doesn’t mean I don’t love. I do love, it is deep inside me. When the fog lifts enough for me to feel, I am overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. I don’t want to make anyone feel not enough or unwanted. I feel that way enough myself.
My point is don’t confuse depression with sadness. It isn’t the same thing. Sadness is a much better feeling.
Thanks for reading.