“I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong”
If you know me Linkin Park is one of my favorite bands. There music hits home and listening to them makes me feel less alone. The band wrote their own songs and I am convinced by the lyrics that one of them, possibly Chester (RIP) suffered from BPD or something very similar. *Note that I do not know Chester Bennington’s diagnosis that caused him to die of suicide. This is just an observation I have made. I’m not a doctor.
I was ready for bed. I painted today, watched some tutorials, listened to music and stayed away from the television. All coping skills my therapists recommends for me when I feel anxious or disassociated. I felt those and everything else today, the coping mechanisms did and are helping. Blogging is another one. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep. The song kept going through my head. “I wanna heal, I wanna feel. Like I’m close to something real. I want to find something I’ve wanted all along. Somewhere I belong.”
This song, along with others really hits home. I have never felt like I have belonged anywhere or with anyone. I have been through three divorces. All that I left. Had to leave before you are abandoned you know. At least that’s how borderlines tend to think. I sure do. I’m currently in a relationship and it is a struggle every day, but I’m not putting that business on here and I’m not planning on abandoning this relationship although I would like to strangle him 90% of the time.
I lived in Florida and after my first divorce I dated and bounced around relationships trying to feel at home. I never did. Doing things with my children, and now my grandchildren were and are the only thing that has given me any comfort in life.
So I impulsively packed my things within just a few months of talking to my current boyfriend and moved to Tennessee. Maybe it could be home. Been here a year and a half and I just don’t like the state. I miss the beaches, I miss my crazy friends. Luckily my mom, son and grandkids followed me up here recently which has helped me because I have not had the opportunity to make any friends since moving, because I don’t leave the house other than to go shopping, the doctors and therapy. Thank God for therapy or I would have no one to vent to.
What I am getting at is that packing up and moving didn’t help either. Didn’t feel at home in Florida, I don’t feel at home here. It isn’t anyone’s fault, I suffer from a serious mental illness. I just don’t feel at home in my own skin. I don’t even like to look at photos of myself anymore. I don’t fit in. I’m a city girl at heart and this place is SO country, ugh. I know this is something I have to fix within myself, but I cannot even trust my own feelings. People with Borderline Personality Order struggle in relationships because one minute they are completely obsessed with the person and then the next they hate their guts. So what I consider my dream home one day would be my nightmare home the next.
“I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything ’til I break away from me
And I will break away, and find myself today”
I am working on this in therapy. Thank God I have an appointment tomorrow. Definitely will be the topic of choice. How do I find “somewhere I belong?”