men-2425121__340Most of us whom have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder have, or had, a “favorite person.”  A favorite person isn’t necessarily the best friend or significant other. In fact, most times he or she is not. The favorite person is however, someone the borderline seeks the most attention from.  In my case, the favorite person of the time decided how my moods were on a daily basis.

At this time I don’t have a favorite person. It actually feels very strange, and I feel I am missing something in my life. I do know this isn’t necessarily a bad thing because my feelings become so intense and I become obsessed with the person. I’m going to use “he” for my pronoun the rest of the post, because my favorite person has always been a man.

I’m going to be speaking for myself. Of course everyone’s experiences are not the same. When I have a favorite person I will do anything for him. I need to be validated by him in every part of my life. If I feel ignored or invalidated it is like the end of times for me. I feel hopeless, depressed, unloved and unworthy of even living at times.  Sometimes my feelings become sexual, but not always. Being a sexual abuse survivor, many of my relationships revolved around sex.

Having a favorite person can be positive or negative. If he is someone who understands me, my feelings and validates me daily, I have joy and feel secure. I have had favorite people that I would do anything for and they in return would do anything for me. Years ago I had a favorite person where we would watch each others children, hang out together with our spouses and play cards and I knew they genuinely cared about me. I realized this at a time where I became deathly ill and he came and would just lay in bed with me as I burned up with fever. It was completely nonsexual, it was friendship. This relationship was a positive one for me. He ended up moving away and I had to find a new favorite person.

A favorite person can also be negative. Unfortunately, I have had more of these.  I would give all my time and gifts to make sure he had everything he needed. Others I would give myself sexually only to realize they didn’t care about me like I did them.  It was horrible to have these men whom I worshipped invalidate me and my needs. Validation, what a huge need for us with BPD.

So, yes I do not have a favorite person at this time. Part of me wants one, but only if it can be a positive one. Right now I feel lucky to have found friends on social media that share the experiences that I have and a great therapist. I still feel very lonely, but at least I am not alone.