The picture above is me two years ago and this was not at my worst. I have always struggled with eating disorders and depression. Are they related? Do I not eat or over eat because I am trying to fill some void in my soul? Honestly I don’t know.

Today I am considered a healthy weight, yet I am on a diet. I have been for months. After the picture above I moved states and began eating unhealthy and put on some weight; now I want it off. Do I want to be as thin as I was above? Not really but it wouldn’t bother me. By the way I am 5’11” so I was literally skin and bones.

I don’t like who I see in the mirror. My weight may be “healthy” in my doctor’s opinion, but all I see is cellulite and fat. So, I diet and weigh myself daily. If my weight fluctuates (like it always does) I starve myself to get the one or two pounds back down. I try to exercise but my depression and the fact that I am in chronic pain affects that. I have to force myself to do the minimum. I over exercised before the chronic pain began to affect me. That was a problem in itself.

So, I will keep weighing myself daily but I will try to keep my weight at a “healthy” number. Right now I am doing keto and intermittent fasting. I know I need to learn to love my body the way it is, but it is hard to do when I struggle to even like myself.