I had 4 good days. That actually says a lot compared to the last couple years. I do realize they were preceded by me missing a dose of my Bipolar medication. So, was it due to the medicine? Did me missing a dose of a mood stabilizer send me into a little manic episode?  The 4 days were what most people would call normal. I was content, maybe even felt a little bit of happiness. Now I am just numb and depressed that the days are gone.

I think the medicine I am has controlled my Bipolar. Maybe too much. Instead of ups and downs I am constantly down and numb. I am on the highest dose of my antidepressant and the doctor swears I am on the best one there is. But is it? How can it be the best if I feel this bad.

Maybe the meds aren’t doing their job because instead of the Bipolar affecting me its the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), also called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Of all my diagnosis’s I struggle with BPD the most. If you’ve read my previous blogs or know about BPD you understand that it can affect one’s relationships tremendously.  I’ve been in my current relationship for over a year and a half and I’ve been completely faithful. I can’t say that about any of my previous relationships. I have to be getting better at relationships, but I still feel so miserable. Half the time I don’t want to even be in a relationship and the other half I am mad at him for not proposing yet. I make no sense. I can’t imagine having to live with someone like me.

Four good days……it really makes me want to skip my medication more often but I have tried it before with no success. I just wish between my weekly therapy and the handful of pills I take daily I could have more than 4 good days.