Today makes one year since I admitted myself into the psychiatric ward of a hospital. It seems so long ago, but at the same time just like it was yesterday. So many things have changed in the past year, but I still have so much more to accomplish.
When I left the hospital I had been diagnosed with several things including Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Bipolar 1, Panic and Anxiety Disorders. I was given medication in the hospital and immediately upon leaving found outpatient help. My medications were adjusted during outpatient and are still being adjusted now.
Leaving the hospital was difficult, even though I was missing my then 5 year old like crazy. In the hospital I didn’t have to face the real world. I had someone to listen to me that didn’t judge, I was fed 3 meals a day and had no worries until night. Night time in a mental hospital is scary and loud. You don’t sleep much.
Then they released me. I was still adjusting to the medicines and the diagnosis’s. I knew I was depressed but the labels were getting to me. I jumped right back into working as a teacher, even though my therapist said it was a toxic job for me. I wasn’t going to leave in the middle of the year. I went back home to a husband who I didn’t love, to an unhealthy life. There were times I just wanted to go back to the hospital. Sometimes I still do.
My weight started dropping pound by pound. The above picture was before the hospital, not even 2 months later I was 30 pounds lighter and very anorexic. Not eating became a way to self harm. I was having so many issues adjusting to real life. Around 4 to 5 months later I separated from my husband. I knew this was a step I had to take. For him and myself. I was a horrible wife. The Borderline made it impossible to have a real relationship. At least I knew why I had so many problems now.
Separating wasn’t enough. I needed to be far, far away. I started talking to the man I am with now and we decided I should move out of state with him. Risky behavior I know for someone with Bipolar and Borderline, but I have known him my entire life and knew I would be safe. I also left teaching and I am working on getting disability for my mental and the physical illnesses I have.
So I made three huge steps even though they were all very stressful for me. I lived through the separation, retiring, and moving states away. I have now gained my weight back. Honestly I wish that would have stayed away. What woman doesn’t like to be called thin?
Even with all these changes I struggle every day. My anxiety has become worse; I haven’t driven since August. My rapid cycling from the Bipolar is finally becoming controlled thanks to medication changes. Yet the PTSD and Borderline cause me issues daily. I want to be left alone more than I want to socialize. Some days, most days, I am basically just a bitch to the people I care about. I push and push and push. It is so hard to let people into my world.
I still see a counselor and psychiatrist. I’m working on communication right now. Yeah, not doing so hot on that. So much easier to just write things down than to sit and talk to someone. Besides, you can’t tell if I am crying through a blog.
So Happy Anniversary to Me. I have made it 1 year without having to be hospitalized and more importantly……I am alive.